Pet names

Dear Husband,

If you ever want another bj, I suggest you refrain from calling me a "cockmuncher" ever again.

Love,
Class Act

So Romantic!

Husband: Wanna get freaky?
Wife: I'll give you a handy if I can just put my hand out and you do the movements.
Husband: Can I get a blowjob?
Wife: No, my nose is stuffy, I'll give you one later.
Husband: (singing) Gonna make love to your face when your nostrils are clear.

A loving Husband/Wife conversation

Husband
ok i know you are working but just a heads up
i'm pretty sure in your last picture in your party album that you can see the top part of your nipple

Wife
what?!

Husband
may want to photoshop a quarter inch of black on that photo

Wife
you're trippin

Husband
i swear you can see slightly darker skin - not much at all
and maybe I am tripping

Wife
I'm not seeing any nip

Husband
i just e-mailed you my expert analysis

Wife
oh dear
you bored today sweetie?

Husband
i think you are right - the zoom info does not support my nip theory

Wife
exactly
I think you're observing the picture a little too closely

Husband
honey if a man can't jerk off at work to a picture of his wife's nipple slipping out in a facebook photo then what IS he supposed to do?

Wife
oh dear goodness

Beer Goggles?

Dear Boyfriend,

Now that you have glasses and can see me clearly, am I still beautiful, or can you now see all my ugliness??

Sincerely,
Wish you had bought a blindfold

Turns out love can be bought

Dear Husband,

Buy me something. Pretty please!

Hey wait a minute, I let you see my boobies on Sunday, and you said if I did you would get me something on Tuesday, today is Tuesday.

Sincerely,
Will Flash for Cash

Lets compare transcripts

Dear Husband,

If you want to put on your resume that you graduated valedictorian from high school, I don’t care. If you want to brag to your coworkers about your exploits as star of the basketball team, that’s OK too. But don’t try to correct my grammar or help me balance the checkbook. I went to high school with you – and I know I am much, much smarter than you.

Love,

I know you sat on the bench and barely graduated

Feels like statutory rape

Dear Husband,

The hooting, the hollering, the dancing in celebration – can you please tone it down. I’m sure you killed something, or captured something, or built some sort of sweet vehicle. But tone it down, its just a video game. And you are probably playing against 12 year olds.

Love,

I get older and you stay the same age, apparently

At least he likes me

Dear Husband,

There probably isn’t a good way to tell you this, but your father grabbed my breast last weekend. Not a brush-by, not a graze, not a hug gone awry. The room was crowded with relatives, and I’m pretty sure he thought I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sipping from my wine glass and – surprise – full hand grab of my left boob. I gasp, and your dad grins, turns and walks away. Just thought you should know.

Love,

I really hope your dad has a drinking problem

Terrible Collection

Dear Husband,

Our marriage has been filled with the most amazing trips to some of the most beautiful parts of the world. I still don’t see why you need to bring back rocks from each of them. All of our shelves, most of our window sills, and even the backs of our toilets, are covered with sentimental rocks. What’s wrong with pictures?

Love,

Rocks belong outdoors

Only 4 Senses Left

Dear Husband,

I am nearly deaf, and you scared our dog half to death. Stop leaving the TV volume on 98 when you go to bed at night. I know that MadDog TV or whatever shit you watch at night is broadcast very quietly. I get it. But for the love of God the last thing I want to hear in the morning when I’m beginning to wake up is my favorite morning show broadcast at rock-concert volume.

Love,

Deaf at 40

Are you sure you aren't adopted?

Dear Husband,

The good news is that you are, genetically speaking, really quite amazing. I know this not only because you are decent looking and intelligent, but because I know the gene pool from which you came. Your family, my in-laws, are miserable. To say that you got the best traits from each of your parents STILL doesn’t quite add up. I love you dearly, but if I have to clean up your father’s clipped toenails from the coffee table, or have to eat one more piece of your mother’s crusty-ass meatloaf, I will quite literally go insane.

Thoughts on not traveling to your folk’s house this Christmas?

Love,

Married the good one in the family, by far

Let me make myself clear...

Dear Husband,

This is not a joke. You looking at other women is not acceptable, not on the internet, not on the TV, not on the Itouch, and DEFINITELY not right in front of my face, its rude and its disrespectful, so if you EVER do that shit again, I will FUCK YOUR WORLD UP!! Do you understand the english I am speaking to your ass?? Oh, and be ready when I get home, to go get my sweater.

Love,
Get pink and die

Just this Once

Dear Husband,

Asking me if you could "just stick it in, just one time" didnt work while we were dating, and it definitely does not work now, after years of marriage. That statement is not considered foreplay, and it is not a turn on. Please find another line.

Sincerely,
Not wet enough to bother.

Dragon Slayer

Dear Husband,

Your morning dragon breath literally makes me forget why I married you. Do me a favor and brush your teeth before opening your mouth in the morning.

Thanks,
Your Wife

Midnight love

Dear Husband,

Contrary to what you may think, humping my backside in the middle of the night is not enjoyable for me, but I will continue to allow it if we can count it towards our sex count.

Always,
Your Real-Life Blowup Doll

Toenails

Dear Husband,

It's gross enough that you bite off your toenails rather than use nailclippers like the rest of us civilzed people, but please do not leave them on the couch. They are sharp and I cut my leg on one this morning.

Love,
Your Wife

No more twig and berries

Dear Husband,

Please refrain from walking around naked whilst leaving the living room blinds open. The neighbors don't want to see your genitalia every time they need to drop their daughter off at her dance recitals. They are also tired of explaining to her why men have hairy asses and women don't.

Love,
Your Wife