Dear Wife,
I can accept the fact that sometimes you agree to sex just to appease me, but the next time I see you trying to look around me to watch The Bachelor, I'm going to make you eligible for that show.
Sincerely,
Men have feelings too
Showing posts with label Dear Wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear Wife. Show all posts
Friday, February 5, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
So Romantic!
Husband: Wanna get freaky?
Wife: I'll give you a handy if I can just put my hand out and you do the movements.
Husband: Can I get a blowjob?
Wife: No, my nose is stuffy, I'll give you one later.
Husband: (singing) Gonna make love to your face when your nostrils are clear.
Wife: I'll give you a handy if I can just put my hand out and you do the movements.
Husband: Can I get a blowjob?
Wife: No, my nose is stuffy, I'll give you one later.
Husband: (singing) Gonna make love to your face when your nostrils are clear.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
A loving Husband/Wife conversation
Husband
ok i know you are working but just a heads up
i'm pretty sure in your last picture in your party album that you can see the top part of your nipple
Wife
what?!
Husband
may want to photoshop a quarter inch of black on that photo
Wife
you're trippin
Husband
i swear you can see slightly darker skin - not much at all
and maybe I am tripping
Wife
I'm not seeing any nip
Husband
i just e-mailed you my expert analysis
Wife
oh dear
you bored today sweetie?
Husband
i think you are right - the zoom info does not support my nip theory
Wife
exactly
I think you're observing the picture a little too closely
Husband
honey if a man can't jerk off at work to a picture of his wife's nipple slipping out in a facebook photo then what IS he supposed to do?
Wife
oh dear goodness
ok i know you are working but just a heads up
i'm pretty sure in your last picture in your party album that you can see the top part of your nipple
Wife
what?!
Husband
may want to photoshop a quarter inch of black on that photo
Wife
you're trippin
Husband
i swear you can see slightly darker skin - not much at all
and maybe I am tripping
Wife
I'm not seeing any nip
Husband
i just e-mailed you my expert analysis
Wife
oh dear
you bored today sweetie?
Husband
i think you are right - the zoom info does not support my nip theory
Wife
exactly
I think you're observing the picture a little too closely
Husband
honey if a man can't jerk off at work to a picture of his wife's nipple slipping out in a facebook photo then what IS he supposed to do?
Wife
oh dear goodness
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
We are not in middle school
Dear Wife,
Honestly, who keeps track of that crap? We have been happily married for over a decade now. I think we can kick the 1/2 year anniversary celebrations. 14 years of marriage? Impressive. 14.5 years of marriage? Lets get real. You know I am terrible with dates, so why go through this every 12 months - I'm not going to remember our half-anniversary, you aren't going to get a card or gift, and you are going to be sad. Lets tone down the marriage celebrations to once a year.
Love,
I cannot think of anymore good gift ideas
Honestly, who keeps track of that crap? We have been happily married for over a decade now. I think we can kick the 1/2 year anniversary celebrations. 14 years of marriage? Impressive. 14.5 years of marriage? Lets get real. You know I am terrible with dates, so why go through this every 12 months - I'm not going to remember our half-anniversary, you aren't going to get a card or gift, and you are going to be sad. Lets tone down the marriage celebrations to once a year.
Love,
I cannot think of anymore good gift ideas
The Oven is Lonely
Dear Wife,
They don’t feature microwaves on cooking shows. My mother never owned a microwave. Fine restaurants don’t have microwaves. Because not everything can be cooked in a microwave. I’m sure your friends are impressed that you have shaved a good 25 minutes off the prep time for your best recipes – but damnit we might as well just order pizza if you are going to continue to serve your ‘4-minute steak surprise’.
Love,
At Least I’m Losing Weight
They don’t feature microwaves on cooking shows. My mother never owned a microwave. Fine restaurants don’t have microwaves. Because not everything can be cooked in a microwave. I’m sure your friends are impressed that you have shaved a good 25 minutes off the prep time for your best recipes – but damnit we might as well just order pizza if you are going to continue to serve your ‘4-minute steak surprise’.
Love,
At Least I’m Losing Weight
It Ain't Our Wedding Night
Dear Wife,
I’m not a weightlifter. I haven’t stretched. And lets be honest, you aren’t as slim as you used to be. So on anniversaries, birthdays, and anytime we go out drinking, please don’t end the night asking me to carry you up the stairs. I feel inadequate, you feel fat, and it gives otherwise pleasant evenings most unpleasant endings.
Best,
Lets walk up those stairs holding hands
I’m not a weightlifter. I haven’t stretched. And lets be honest, you aren’t as slim as you used to be. So on anniversaries, birthdays, and anytime we go out drinking, please don’t end the night asking me to carry you up the stairs. I feel inadequate, you feel fat, and it gives otherwise pleasant evenings most unpleasant endings.
Best,
Lets walk up those stairs holding hands
I AM NOT GOD
Dear Wife,
I cannot create worlds and I cannot move mountains, and I sure as shit can’t stop you from aging. So stop with the yammering about wrinkles and sagging – we are all getting older and there ain’t a thing any of us can do about it.
Best,
Trying to watch the game
I cannot create worlds and I cannot move mountains, and I sure as shit can’t stop you from aging. So stop with the yammering about wrinkles and sagging – we are all getting older and there ain’t a thing any of us can do about it.
Best,
Trying to watch the game
Smells like Crap
Dear Wife,
Who are we trying to fool here? I know that women poop – that bubble was burst long ago. So when you feel the urge, you don’t need to make up some elaborate excuse about how you need to paint your nails in the bathroom where the lighting is better. Don’t tell me that you checking to see if the shampoo’s are getting empty. When you are gone for 10 minutes right after dinner – I know what you’re doing, and I’m OK with that – just stop with the song-and-dance.
Best,
Stop lying- light a candle
Who are we trying to fool here? I know that women poop – that bubble was burst long ago. So when you feel the urge, you don’t need to make up some elaborate excuse about how you need to paint your nails in the bathroom where the lighting is better. Don’t tell me that you checking to see if the shampoo’s are getting empty. When you are gone for 10 minutes right after dinner – I know what you’re doing, and I’m OK with that – just stop with the song-and-dance.
Best,
Stop lying- light a candle
Can You Hear Me Now?
Dear Wife,
Alexander Graham Bell might have been on to something. You know that invention, the phone? Well it turns out that even if you are 2,000 miles away from the person you are talking with, you don’t need to talk any louder than if you were standing 2 feet away from them. Just an FYI.
Love,
Trying to watch the TV
Alexander Graham Bell might have been on to something. You know that invention, the phone? Well it turns out that even if you are 2,000 miles away from the person you are talking with, you don’t need to talk any louder than if you were standing 2 feet away from them. Just an FYI.
Love,
Trying to watch the TV
You're the best I've ever had
Dear Wife,
You can’t have it both ways. If you are going to tell me that I should be completely honest with you, don’t in the same conversation ask me how many women I have slept with. Don’t ask me where the weirest place I’ve ever had sex is. Don’t ask me if I ever think about other women. Just don’t.
Love,
Honesty is overrated
You can’t have it both ways. If you are going to tell me that I should be completely honest with you, don’t in the same conversation ask me how many women I have slept with. Don’t ask me where the weirest place I’ve ever had sex is. Don’t ask me if I ever think about other women. Just don’t.
Love,
Honesty is overrated
You are a bad person
Dear Wife,
I know you see the signs. I know you see the crude wheelchair painting on the pavement. So why, do you insist on parking in these spots? There are plenty of spots in the lot, not more than an extra 40 feet further.
Love,
Yes, you can go to hell for that
I know you see the signs. I know you see the crude wheelchair painting on the pavement. So why, do you insist on parking in these spots? There are plenty of spots in the lot, not more than an extra 40 feet further.
Love,
Yes, you can go to hell for that
I'm repulsed by your mother
Dear Wife,
If your folks aren’t having marital issues, I’m pretty sure they are now. Remember last 4th of July when we took the family up to your family’s cabin on the lake? Yeah, well your mother, well her hugs are getting… friendlier. The Day 1 – glad to see you hug is fine – heck it is supposed to be a long hug – but every day goodmorning and goodnight hugs? When we are both still in robes?
Love,
No Thanks, Mrs. Robinson
If your folks aren’t having marital issues, I’m pretty sure they are now. Remember last 4th of July when we took the family up to your family’s cabin on the lake? Yeah, well your mother, well her hugs are getting… friendlier. The Day 1 – glad to see you hug is fine – heck it is supposed to be a long hug – but every day goodmorning and goodnight hugs? When we are both still in robes?
Love,
No Thanks, Mrs. Robinson
Tabloids are making us poor
Dear Wife,
You know those literary gems, featuring the latest gossip about which former member of a terrible 90’s show is sleeping with which American Idol contestant, that you buy at the grocery store checkout every week for $4.99? They’ll actually have a service where they will bring you that trash, right to our house, for something like $20 for the whole year! I realize that eating Top Ramen and sleeping on an old mattress that used to belong to my late Great Grandmother might be OK with you, but for me, I’d kind of like for you NOT to waste hundreds of dollars a year.
Love,
Buy a subscription
You know those literary gems, featuring the latest gossip about which former member of a terrible 90’s show is sleeping with which American Idol contestant, that you buy at the grocery store checkout every week for $4.99? They’ll actually have a service where they will bring you that trash, right to our house, for something like $20 for the whole year! I realize that eating Top Ramen and sleeping on an old mattress that used to belong to my late Great Grandmother might be OK with you, but for me, I’d kind of like for you NOT to waste hundreds of dollars a year.
Love,
Buy a subscription
No More Ashtrays
Dear Wife,
Doesn’t the local community center have free art classes? Because the local arts center that kindly takes your $3,000 per semester, is honestly not worth it. Yes, there is such a thing as having too many interpretive vases. Yes, it embarrasses me to have what appears to be framed fingerpaintings hanging in our house, when we do not have any kids. In life, you are a gem. With art, you are a lost cause.
Love,
I really do love everything else about you
Doesn’t the local community center have free art classes? Because the local arts center that kindly takes your $3,000 per semester, is honestly not worth it. Yes, there is such a thing as having too many interpretive vases. Yes, it embarrasses me to have what appears to be framed fingerpaintings hanging in our house, when we do not have any kids. In life, you are a gem. With art, you are a lost cause.
Love,
I really do love everything else about you
Don't they sell tampons in bulk?
Dear Wife,
No more tampons. Not that you can’t have them, but I’m just not buying them anymore. Firstly, if you know you need them, every month for the remainder of your wonderful life, then why in the Lord’s name don’t you just buy as many damn tampons as will fit in our cabinets? Also, I feel like a real pussy having to check out from the local drug store with a box of ‘BigFlow’ tampons.
Love,
Plan Ahead Please, So I Can Have My Manhood
No more tampons. Not that you can’t have them, but I’m just not buying them anymore. Firstly, if you know you need them, every month for the remainder of your wonderful life, then why in the Lord’s name don’t you just buy as many damn tampons as will fit in our cabinets? Also, I feel like a real pussy having to check out from the local drug store with a box of ‘BigFlow’ tampons.
Love,
Plan Ahead Please, So I Can Have My Manhood
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Put Out Dammit!
Dear Wife,
We have sex once a week. Thanks for throwing me that "bone". However, considering that we only do it once a week, I would really appreciate it if you didnt tell me to "just hurry up" or "lets not make this into a big production" I would also appreciate it if maybe you got on top once in a while, or at the very least, remove your underwear completely instead of just taking the one leg out. I also dont understand why - after you have told me to hurry up, you then complain about the 90 seconds it took to do the deed. If you put out a little more often, it might actually last a little longer.
Love,
Minuteman husband
Monday, December 7, 2009
Stop asking!
Dear Wife,
Yes! You DO look fat in that. Yes! She is hotter than you. Yes! I would do her if I knew you would never find out. STOP ASKING!
Sincerely,
Sick of your fat ass
Yes! You DO look fat in that. Yes! She is hotter than you. Yes! I would do her if I knew you would never find out. STOP ASKING!
Sincerely,
Sick of your fat ass
Thursday, December 3, 2009
You're a Drug Dealer
Dear Wife,
You've planted marijuana in our backyard. I'm not sure what you were thinking when you bought 'special' ferns from the guy outside of The Home Depot, but I am sure that we are now breaking Federal, State, and Local laws. Additionally, I think we both now know why our landscaping guy has been offering to come by the house 3x per week and isn't charging us for the extra visits.
Love,
Your Husband
You've planted marijuana in our backyard. I'm not sure what you were thinking when you bought 'special' ferns from the guy outside of The Home Depot, but I am sure that we are now breaking Federal, State, and Local laws. Additionally, I think we both now know why our landscaping guy has been offering to come by the house 3x per week and isn't charging us for the extra visits.
Love,
Your Husband
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Keep your day job
Dear Wife,
I know you are a spectacular accountant. I also know you are a miserable actress. How do I know this? Because every morning while I'm brushing my teeth, you put on a big show and dance as you pop your daily birth control pill into your mouth and happily gulp it down. Allegedly. Now either I'm John fucking Nash or you are just that retarded, but I can clearly see that you never actually put the pills in your mouth. Additionally, when you make me take the trash out ever Tuesday and Saturday, I often see a number of little white pills sitting in the bag.
So my dearest wife, while I am flattered to be your own personal sperm donor, I have the inkling that this just might be an issue we should decide upon together, as husband and wife.
Cheers,
Your Husband
ps please no more blaming your bitchrage on the 'hormones' in your birth control pills.
I know you are a spectacular accountant. I also know you are a miserable actress. How do I know this? Because every morning while I'm brushing my teeth, you put on a big show and dance as you pop your daily birth control pill into your mouth and happily gulp it down. Allegedly. Now either I'm John fucking Nash or you are just that retarded, but I can clearly see that you never actually put the pills in your mouth. Additionally, when you make me take the trash out ever Tuesday and Saturday, I often see a number of little white pills sitting in the bag.
So my dearest wife, while I am flattered to be your own personal sperm donor, I have the inkling that this just might be an issue we should decide upon together, as husband and wife.
Cheers,
Your Husband
ps please no more blaming your bitchrage on the 'hormones' in your birth control pills.
I Know You See My Boner
Dear Wife,
I know you see it. Its huge. Or at least much larger than usual. And I'm naked.
Remember that time I ran to the grocery store at 2am to buy you Midol? Remember how you said that you owed me? Yup, I'm calling it in.
Erectionally yours,
Your Husband
I know you see it. Its huge. Or at least much larger than usual. And I'm naked.
Remember that time I ran to the grocery store at 2am to buy you Midol? Remember how you said that you owed me? Yup, I'm calling it in.
Erectionally yours,
Your Husband
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