No Bueno

Dear Wife,

As a child of two parents born in Mexico, I find your Spanish offensive. I understand at your all-ladies liberal arts college that you were at the top of both your Spanish 44 and Advanced Spanish classes. I know that you spent a semester in Honduras, living with the locals. But when I have to hear your converse in your ‘Spanish’ with every god-damn person you encounter at the local Mexican Restaurant, I want to vomit. You clearly only know 20 words, and that includes your ability to count to ten (and I’m giving you cuatro, which you somehow make sound like a cow giving birth). And please, please, please stop talking to my family in Spanish when we visit. You must know that they tease you mercilessly behind your back after we leave. And lastly, when you try to talk to me dirty in the Latin “language of love”, it makes me wish my penis would shrivel up and fall off.

Best,

Pedro (do not roll the r)