Wanna be a bachelorette?

Dear Wife,

I can accept the fact that sometimes you agree to sex just to appease me, but the next time I see you trying to look around me to watch The Bachelor, I'm going to make you eligible for that show.

Sincerely,
Men have feelings too

Pet names

Dear Husband,

If you ever want another bj, I suggest you refrain from calling me a "cockmuncher" ever again.

Love,
Class Act

So Romantic!

Husband: Wanna get freaky?
Wife: I'll give you a handy if I can just put my hand out and you do the movements.
Husband: Can I get a blowjob?
Wife: No, my nose is stuffy, I'll give you one later.
Husband: (singing) Gonna make love to your face when your nostrils are clear.

When a man loves a woman...

Husband
R U going to the Gym today?

Wife
I plan on it. I thought we would have leftovers for dinner tonight, but there was nothing leftover. Are there alot of Marie Callendars left in the freezer?

Husband
Yes

Wife
Why do you ask about the gym?

Husband
So I can go see my girlfriend

Wife
Ill chop your weenus off

Husband
How's Mr. thing next to you been acting?

Wife
like a little bitch

Husband
Do you want me to kick his ass?

Wife
If I said yes, would you?

Husband
anything 4 U

Wife
oh gawsh, what do you want?

Husband
U, like the other morning

A loving Husband/Wife conversation

Husband
ok i know you are working but just a heads up
i'm pretty sure in your last picture in your party album that you can see the top part of your nipple

Wife
what?!

Husband
may want to photoshop a quarter inch of black on that photo

Wife
you're trippin

Husband
i swear you can see slightly darker skin - not much at all
and maybe I am tripping

Wife
I'm not seeing any nip

Husband
i just e-mailed you my expert analysis

Wife
oh dear
you bored today sweetie?

Husband
i think you are right - the zoom info does not support my nip theory

Wife
exactly
I think you're observing the picture a little too closely

Husband
honey if a man can't jerk off at work to a picture of his wife's nipple slipping out in a facebook photo then what IS he supposed to do?

Wife
oh dear goodness

Beer Goggles?

Dear Boyfriend,

Now that you have glasses and can see me clearly, am I still beautiful, or can you now see all my ugliness??

Sincerely,
Wish you had bought a blindfold

Turns out love can be bought

Dear Husband,

Buy me something. Pretty please!

Hey wait a minute, I let you see my boobies on Sunday, and you said if I did you would get me something on Tuesday, today is Tuesday.

Sincerely,
Will Flash for Cash

We are not in middle school

Dear Wife,

Honestly, who keeps track of that crap? We have been happily married for over a decade now. I think we can kick the 1/2 year anniversary celebrations. 14 years of marriage? Impressive. 14.5 years of marriage? Lets get real. You know I am terrible with dates, so why go through this every 12 months - I'm not going to remember our half-anniversary, you aren't going to get a card or gift, and you are going to be sad. Lets tone down the marriage celebrations to once a year.

Love,

I cannot think of anymore good gift ideas

The Oven is Lonely

Dear Wife,

They don’t feature microwaves on cooking shows. My mother never owned a microwave. Fine restaurants don’t have microwaves. Because not everything can be cooked in a microwave. I’m sure your friends are impressed that you have shaved a good 25 minutes off the prep time for your best recipes – but damnit we might as well just order pizza if you are going to continue to serve your ‘4-minute steak surprise’.

Love,

At Least I’m Losing Weight

It Ain't Our Wedding Night

Dear Wife,

I’m not a weightlifter. I haven’t stretched. And lets be honest, you aren’t as slim as you used to be. So on anniversaries, birthdays, and anytime we go out drinking, please don’t end the night asking me to carry you up the stairs. I feel inadequate, you feel fat, and it gives otherwise pleasant evenings most unpleasant endings.

Best,

Lets walk up those stairs holding hands

Lets compare transcripts

Dear Husband,

If you want to put on your resume that you graduated valedictorian from high school, I don’t care. If you want to brag to your coworkers about your exploits as star of the basketball team, that’s OK too. But don’t try to correct my grammar or help me balance the checkbook. I went to high school with you – and I know I am much, much smarter than you.

Love,

I know you sat on the bench and barely graduated

I AM NOT GOD

Dear Wife,

I cannot create worlds and I cannot move mountains, and I sure as shit can’t stop you from aging. So stop with the yammering about wrinkles and sagging – we are all getting older and there ain’t a thing any of us can do about it.

Best,

Trying to watch the game

Smells like Crap

Dear Wife,

Who are we trying to fool here? I know that women poop – that bubble was burst long ago. So when you feel the urge, you don’t need to make up some elaborate excuse about how you need to paint your nails in the bathroom where the lighting is better. Don’t tell me that you checking to see if the shampoo’s are getting empty. When you are gone for 10 minutes right after dinner – I know what you’re doing, and I’m OK with that – just stop with the song-and-dance.

Best,

Stop lying- light a candle

Feels like statutory rape

Dear Husband,

The hooting, the hollering, the dancing in celebration – can you please tone it down. I’m sure you killed something, or captured something, or built some sort of sweet vehicle. But tone it down, its just a video game. And you are probably playing against 12 year olds.

Love,

I get older and you stay the same age, apparently

Can You Hear Me Now?

Dear Wife,

Alexander Graham Bell might have been on to something. You know that invention, the phone? Well it turns out that even if you are 2,000 miles away from the person you are talking with, you don’t need to talk any louder than if you were standing 2 feet away from them. Just an FYI.

Love,

Trying to watch the TV

At least he likes me

Dear Husband,

There probably isn’t a good way to tell you this, but your father grabbed my breast last weekend. Not a brush-by, not a graze, not a hug gone awry. The room was crowded with relatives, and I’m pretty sure he thought I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sipping from my wine glass and – surprise – full hand grab of my left boob. I gasp, and your dad grins, turns and walks away. Just thought you should know.

Love,

I really hope your dad has a drinking problem

You're the best I've ever had

Dear Wife,

You can’t have it both ways. If you are going to tell me that I should be completely honest with you, don’t in the same conversation ask me how many women I have slept with. Don’t ask me where the weirest place I’ve ever had sex is. Don’t ask me if I ever think about other women. Just don’t.

Love,

Honesty is overrated

You are a bad person

Dear Wife,

I know you see the signs. I know you see the crude wheelchair painting on the pavement. So why, do you insist on parking in these spots? There are plenty of spots in the lot, not more than an extra 40 feet further.

Love,

Yes, you can go to hell for that

I'm repulsed by your mother

Dear Wife,

If your folks aren’t having marital issues, I’m pretty sure they are now. Remember last 4th of July when we took the family up to your family’s cabin on the lake? Yeah, well your mother, well her hugs are getting… friendlier. The Day 1 – glad to see you hug is fine – heck it is supposed to be a long hug – but every day goodmorning and goodnight hugs? When we are both still in robes?

Love,

No Thanks, Mrs. Robinson

Tabloids are making us poor

Dear Wife,

You know those literary gems, featuring the latest gossip about which former member of a terrible 90’s show is sleeping with which American Idol contestant, that you buy at the grocery store checkout every week for $4.99? They’ll actually have a service where they will bring you that trash, right to our house, for something like $20 for the whole year! I realize that eating Top Ramen and sleeping on an old mattress that used to belong to my late Great Grandmother might be OK with you, but for me, I’d kind of like for you NOT to waste hundreds of dollars a year.

Love,

Buy a subscription

Terrible Collection

Dear Husband,

Our marriage has been filled with the most amazing trips to some of the most beautiful parts of the world. I still don’t see why you need to bring back rocks from each of them. All of our shelves, most of our window sills, and even the backs of our toilets, are covered with sentimental rocks. What’s wrong with pictures?

Love,

Rocks belong outdoors

Only 4 Senses Left

Dear Husband,

I am nearly deaf, and you scared our dog half to death. Stop leaving the TV volume on 98 when you go to bed at night. I know that MadDog TV or whatever shit you watch at night is broadcast very quietly. I get it. But for the love of God the last thing I want to hear in the morning when I’m beginning to wake up is my favorite morning show broadcast at rock-concert volume.

Love,

Deaf at 40

No Bueno

Dear Wife,

As a child of two parents born in Mexico, I find your Spanish offensive. I understand at your all-ladies liberal arts college that you were at the top of both your Spanish 44 and Advanced Spanish classes. I know that you spent a semester in Honduras, living with the locals. But when I have to hear your converse in your ‘Spanish’ with every god-damn person you encounter at the local Mexican Restaurant, I want to vomit. You clearly only know 20 words, and that includes your ability to count to ten (and I’m giving you cuatro, which you somehow make sound like a cow giving birth). And please, please, please stop talking to my family in Spanish when we visit. You must know that they tease you mercilessly behind your back after we leave. And lastly, when you try to talk to me dirty in the Latin “language of love”, it makes me wish my penis would shrivel up and fall off.

Best,

Pedro (do not roll the r)

No More Ashtrays

Dear Wife,

Doesn’t the local community center have free art classes? Because the local arts center that kindly takes your $3,000 per semester, is honestly not worth it. Yes, there is such a thing as having too many interpretive vases. Yes, it embarrasses me to have what appears to be framed fingerpaintings hanging in our house, when we do not have any kids. In life, you are a gem. With art, you are a lost cause.

Love,

I really do love everything else about you

Don't they sell tampons in bulk?

Dear Wife,

No more tampons. Not that you can’t have them, but I’m just not buying them anymore. Firstly, if you know you need them, every month for the remainder of your wonderful life, then why in the Lord’s name don’t you just buy as many damn tampons as will fit in our cabinets? Also, I feel like a real pussy having to check out from the local drug store with a box of ‘BigFlow’ tampons.

Love,

Plan Ahead Please, So I Can Have My Manhood

Are you sure you aren't adopted?

Dear Husband,

The good news is that you are, genetically speaking, really quite amazing. I know this not only because you are decent looking and intelligent, but because I know the gene pool from which you came. Your family, my in-laws, are miserable. To say that you got the best traits from each of your parents STILL doesn’t quite add up. I love you dearly, but if I have to clean up your father’s clipped toenails from the coffee table, or have to eat one more piece of your mother’s crusty-ass meatloaf, I will quite literally go insane.

Thoughts on not traveling to your folk’s house this Christmas?

Love,

Married the good one in the family, by far

Put Out Dammit!

Dear Wife,

We have sex once a week. Thanks for throwing me that "bone". However, considering that we only do it once a week, I would really appreciate it if you didnt tell me to "just hurry up" or "lets not make this into a big production" I would also appreciate it if maybe you got on top once in a while, or at the very least, remove your underwear completely instead of just taking the one leg out. I also dont understand why - after you have told me to hurry up, you then complain about the 90 seconds it took to do the deed. If you put out a little more often, it might actually last a little longer.

Love,
Minuteman husband

Stop asking!

Dear Wife,

Yes! You DO look fat in that. Yes! She is hotter than you. Yes! I would do her if I knew you would never find out. STOP ASKING!

Sincerely,

Sick of your fat ass

Let me make myself clear...

Dear Husband,

This is not a joke. You looking at other women is not acceptable, not on the internet, not on the TV, not on the Itouch, and DEFINITELY not right in front of my face, its rude and its disrespectful, so if you EVER do that shit again, I will FUCK YOUR WORLD UP!! Do you understand the english I am speaking to your ass?? Oh, and be ready when I get home, to go get my sweater.

Love,
Get pink and die

Just this Once

Dear Husband,

Asking me if you could "just stick it in, just one time" didnt work while we were dating, and it definitely does not work now, after years of marriage. That statement is not considered foreplay, and it is not a turn on. Please find another line.

Sincerely,
Not wet enough to bother.

Dragon Slayer

Dear Husband,

Your morning dragon breath literally makes me forget why I married you. Do me a favor and brush your teeth before opening your mouth in the morning.

Thanks,
Your Wife

Midnight love

Dear Husband,

Contrary to what you may think, humping my backside in the middle of the night is not enjoyable for me, but I will continue to allow it if we can count it towards our sex count.

Always,
Your Real-Life Blowup Doll

You're a Drug Dealer

Dear Wife,

You've planted marijuana in our backyard. I'm not sure what you were thinking when you bought 'special' ferns from the guy outside of The Home Depot, but I am sure that we are now breaking Federal, State, and Local laws. Additionally, I think we both now know why our landscaping guy has been offering to come by the house 3x per week and isn't charging us for the extra visits.

Love,
Your Husband

Keep your day job

Dear Wife,

I know you are a spectacular accountant. I also know you are a miserable actress. How do I know this? Because every morning while I'm brushing my teeth, you put on a big show and dance as you pop your daily birth control pill into your mouth and happily gulp it down. Allegedly. Now either I'm John fucking Nash or you are just that retarded, but I can clearly see that you never actually put the pills in your mouth. Additionally, when you make me take the trash out ever Tuesday and Saturday, I often see a number of little white pills sitting in the bag.

So my dearest wife, while I am flattered to be your own personal sperm donor, I have the inkling that this just might be an issue we should decide upon together, as husband and wife.

Cheers,

Your Husband

ps please no more blaming your bitchrage on the 'hormones' in your birth control pills.

I Know You See My Boner

Dear Wife,

I know you see it. Its huge. Or at least much larger than usual. And I'm naked.

Remember that time I ran to the grocery store at 2am to buy you Midol? Remember how you said that you owed me? Yup, I'm calling it in.

Erectionally yours,

Your Husband

You're being a huge baby

Dear Wife,

You are in touch with your emotions. You are compassionate. You have a deep understanding of the human spirit. But holy shit woman, you cry all of the time.

We watch television, you cry. We attend little league games, you cry. You come home from work you cry. It makes me want to cry, but I think I would throw up if I see one more tear.

Now maybe we can just set some sort of tear-minimum threshold. Say, you can cry at little league games if it is the championship or there is an injury. But not, for example, because you saw our son drop his sunflower seeds in the dirt. Crying is ok during sad or romantic movies, but not, for example, during an Adam Sandler movie.

Further, when you cry during sex, I cannot help but to feel the most bizarre combination of complete self-doubt and also the feeling that I might be committing some sort of sex crime. And I'm sick of my ego being bruised and having to wonder if the neighbors can hear you and if they are going to call the police.

Keep your chin up,

Your Husband

Toenails

Dear Husband,

It's gross enough that you bite off your toenails rather than use nailclippers like the rest of us civilzed people, but please do not leave them on the couch. They are sharp and I cut my leg on one this morning.

Love,
Your Wife

No more twig and berries

Dear Husband,

Please refrain from walking around naked whilst leaving the living room blinds open. The neighbors don't want to see your genitalia every time they need to drop their daughter off at her dance recitals. They are also tired of explaining to her why men have hairy asses and women don't.

Love,
Your Wife

I don't like your stew

Dear Wife,

I understand family. I understand tradition. I understand that your late great grandmother is near and dear to you and I understand that there is nothing in this lifetime that will tarnish your memories of her. That being said, the Beef Stew recipe she bestowed upon you on her deathbed is awful. It tastes bad. I hate it. God bless her resting soul in heaven, but that Beef Stew is something that should have been buried with her.

Cordially,

Your Husband